No Joke

You ever had something happen to you where you just stood there for long moments on end and wondered, "What do I do now? What. Do. I. Do? I don't fucking believe this!" I vocalized all to no one but the cold, dark night.

Saturday night I worked at the casino. On my drive home at 3:30 a.m. I noticed two cars with flashers on parked at the side of the road and a few people standing outside their cars. In a safety move I began to move from the rightmost lane to the passing lane so as to give berth to the cars and people. And that's when I saw why they must have stopped.

At that moment, I slammed, straight on, at 75 miles per hour, into the body of a dead deer. No joke. My mind had plenty of time to process, but physically there was nothing I could do. In an instant I decided it was best not to hit the body with my car's wheels, so I squared it up with the nose. That was all the reaction time I had.

The force of the impact literally lifted my car into the air yet it stayed true to the course and at no point did I lose control of my vehicle. My 2008, still shiny new, vehicle. Thank God my airbags didn't inflate or I would have been in an even worse predicament.

The car kept on running fine with no apparent handling issues or engine sounds or anything along those terms. Soon enough, I pulled over to inspect and as I came to a stop I saw smoke.

Upon my review, I saw that I damaged my front air dam and loosened a few plastic protection plates. The smoking wasn't the radiator or engine. It was animal parts on the manifold and muffler. And without much more detail, parts of the animal were scattered all over the under carriage of my car, in my wheel wells and back-sprayed onto the rear of the car.

That's when I stood there, exasperated, and wondering what to do talking to nobody in particular.

I tried pulling the front plastic piece off only to notice my hands covered in blood and hair. That disgusted me and further bewildered me. I used my golf towel to clean myself. I simply didn't know what to do next. Call the police? Triple A? To what end?

So I drove. I was dragging the plastic pieces I couldn't remove and began thinking about where the nearest car wash might be. I remembered where one was and found an all-night CVS and purchased paper towels. During the transaction, I hid my hands best I could while paying so as not to alarm the lady or have her think I just murdered someone. Everything at that point was so surreal.

Next, I pressure-washed the "parts" out of my undercarriage but there was no way I could get it all. I sincerely hope the drain took care of what I was able to wash off, but I fear it didn't. I started driving again. I was about 20 miles from home and I knew of a 24 hour touchless wash with a good underbody spray. I went there and did that too. It didn't complete the job by any stretch.

By the time I got home it was 4:30. My wife woke and I told her all about it. She is the most compassionate person about such matters and I love the support and sympathy she has for such things. She has a knack and never says the wrong things. I'm lucky there.

Yesterday morning I woke with a jolt remembering the events of the night before. I probably had 4 hours sleep. My daytime inspection was not good. Grimly, I put my car up on jackstands, put a plastic painter's tarp under the car, donned some surgical gloves, an old sweatshirt and safety goggles and really got into the necessary task. To say it was gross would be an understatement but at some point it became more of a chore that just had to get done. I did the best I could including a stiff brush and bleach solution.

I noticed some of the damage underneath as well. The radiator was out of position and a heat sheild was missing. I cleaned everything up, threw away the mess and all my clothes and went back to the regular chore of yard leaves.

Today, I called my insurance company and they recommended I bring it in to a Honda body shop where they had a rental car waiting. I'm very pleased with GEICO! Props to them.

So, my car's in the shop now and I have a nice Honda Accord loaner. The extremely pleasant guy at the shop just called to mention some things that will need replacing (front fairing, radiator, tie rod) but said he couldn't continue the estimate until their detailing department could finish power washing out the remains. Eww!

It could have been worse. I'm fine. My car will be fine. Cosmetically, it looks almost perfect so I just need to pay the $500 deductible and I should be okay once its all safely checked out.

I suppose its all part of life, even when you don't know what to do next. What can you do, really, except keep plugging along. Things tend to work themselves out. And all things are replaceable.

But man! What a friggin' night.

Weird part as well? This is the second deer I've hit in my lifetime. The other was alive and smashed through my windshield. I think I've met my lifetime quota, don't you?