Camping

Camping was great! We had a blast. Weather was perfect. The only real issue was we weren't able to camp at the shore as the two main state campgrounds were full. Thankfully, I have GPS which found the nearest campgrounds plus their phone numbers. So after a few calls and we were able to find a site, albeit 30 minutes away. It was a terrific family campground with a great big pool so we spent Saturday afternoon there rather than at the beach. Then, in the evening, we made steak, grilled corn on the cob and shrimp with cocktail sauce and had some adult-type cocktails. The weather and everything else could not have been more perfect. Sunday we awoke to more perfect weather, had a nice breakfast, packed up and headed back the shore where we enjoyed yet another great day.

Therefore, it sort of makes for a boring post, no?

Fear not! I DO have a camping story but its from years ago and its one of the reasons I've traditionally hated camping.

We were in Vermont and I was awoken to VERY loud voices at 5:20 a.m. A woman, in an incredibly shrill voice, was barking orders to her 12 year old son. They were packing up to leave. It was absolutely outrageous in her total lack of any courtesy for others. I could hear other campers muttering about what the hell was going on and even telling them to keep it down.

After a few minutes, of course, I had to pee. My trek to the men's room took me by her site which was perhaps two sites away from ours. Since I can't keep my mouth shut, I couldn't resist saying "Ma'am! Its 5:20 in the morning. People are sleeping. You have to quiet down. Please!"

Her response is one of the most incredible things I've ever heard. She literally screamed back at me at the top of her lungs. "LISTEN HERE, MR. MAN! I JUST HEARD MY HUSBAND WAS HOSPITALIZED LAST NIGHT! I DON'T NEED ANY CRAP FROM YOU! WE NEED TO GO SEE HIM NOW!"

Unbelievable. I'm not sure what that had to do with the price of chewing gum in Guam. Nor have I ever been referred to as "Mr. Man" before or since. But! I have a big issue with people who encounter a problem in their lives and it becomes, by proxy, everyone else's problem as well.

I replied, "I don't see how that has any bearing on you waking up the entire campground. I'm merely asking that you NOT scream at this time of day."

"I WILL CALL THE POLICE FOR YOU HASSLING ME! JOHNNY! JOHNNY! COME HERE QUICKLY."

Even more unbelievable. I had no fear of the police because I'm sure they would see just how insane she was and I think perhaps some fellow campers would step forward as character witnesses. I got a few laughs from the surrounding tents when my response, in somewhat of a stage-whisper/growl was something like, "I don't really care who the FUCK you call as long as you SHUT UP!" Then I continued to the men's room.

The offending party continued to clang and yelled and slam car doors but eventually departed maybe 20 minutes later. Of course I was now awake for the day.

That, among other reasons, is one of the causes of me swearing off camping ever again.

Sincerely, Mr. Man!

Ahem

You in the office near mine - its been going on for a long time. I'm sure at this point its a nervous habit since you've been doing it regularly since your first day here. But, if you continue to clear your throat ever 3-7 seconds, at times stretching it out to 5 or more seconds (arrrgchhhhh) I will tend to my last resort. I will dial 911. I will claim there is a 4-alarm fire. I will commandeer the hook and ladder truck. I will use, under full pressure the fire hose to soothe whatever "scratchyness" you are experiencing.

Please. I'm begging you. Just stop.

Or take a lozenge.

Now who's Mr. Patience?