College Memory

About a year before I met my wife, I dated a young woman for a short time that herein I will call M. I quickly learned that M was all about image and look and how people perceived her/us, but she had very little substance behind her. On top of that, she was quite insecure - always asking if I really liked her or was going to break up with her and whatnot.

She was a sweet girl but I rather quickly realized the relationship wasn't going very far. On top of that, M lived with her mother, grandfather and uncle. Her mother was an odd sort, although nice when I met her. Later after we broke up I learned her mother stole M's car and credit cards and absconded to Florida wherein she rang up some rather sizable debt in short order.

Yet, that wasn't the weirdest family incident involving her.

One night we were going out. I had borrowed my dad's pickup truck and their driveway sloped away from a rather busy road. As I was backing out of the driveway and trying to make some haste, I moderately spun my wheels and kicked up some of the driveway gravel. I wasn't hot-dogging nor being "cool" or anything and I imagine this must have happened countless times in the past.

Later that evening, however, I got a stern lecture from dear old granddad about showing off and driving recklessly, etc. While I apologized I also tried to explain how it happened but he didn't want to hear of it. Since I was raised right (I suppose) I took the verbal assault from my elder, rolled my eyes and moved on. M tried to defend me as well, but it seemed she was rather afraid of her grandfather.

Perhaps two weeks later, I went to pick up M again and as I approached saw two cop cars with strobe-lights a-blazing as well as a small group of people were disbursing. I assume they were neighbors. I thought about just driving by and calling with some lame excuse but then I saw M on the lawn discretely waving to me. I stopped, she jumped in my truck, and off we went.

After ten of fifteen minutes of driving I said something along the lines of, "Since you're not going to volunteer the information, I think I have to ask: What the fuck was going on there?"

After a few beats, she replied, "I'm soooo embarrassed! My grandfather and my uncle got in a fight and my grandfather shot my uncle. Only in the arm but he went to the hospital in an ambulance and they took my grandfather to jail."

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa????? I thought. But remained silent in thinking, wow, that could've been me, huh?

This all came to light after recent thoughts of escaping from the relationship but the time was now near to do some actual planning. But I let it go that night and in a few more weeks the opportunity presented itself.

I was in college at the time and rented a small lakehouse with a group of friends. One night I had plans to go out with a buddy but as I stepped out of the shower I could see her car in the driveway. I quickly dressed thinking the door knock would come in seconds but it was actually quite some time. When it came, I let her in but explained that I was headed out and didn't have much time.

"I'm worried about our relationship" she stated. Mind you, we really only had a few dates. Maybe five. We hadn't really had intimate contact or anything of that sort. Just some dates. Movies, pizza, mini-golf and fireworks.

I was leary of where this was headed. "Ummmmmmm.....okay?" I think I responded.

"You're going to break up with me, huh?" she said.

I lied. "No. Not really. Why?" I have no idea what I meant by "not really" in that case, but that's what I said. Normally I would think she was perceptive about me not being terribly into her, but she always seemed to think I was one minute from breaking up with her. Even when I wasn't.

"I don't know. I just think you are. You know, with my grandfather and all that." I learned he was out on bond and one thing I was sure of is I wasn't going to be around that crazy bastard again. She could meet me wherever we wanted to go. Screw being a gentleman and picking a lady up at her door as far as I was concerned.

Details of our conversation after that are a bit sketchy but it went on forever! It was never a fight, just more of the same thing over and over again and it was getting annoying and frustrating. Plus, I was really feeling pressed for time. So after a while, I guess I just gave up. "Yes. Okay then. We're breaking up." There ,I said it. I guess I felt the time to seize the opportunity to finalize what I know would come eventually. Let the fireworks begin.

"Okay" she said. After a long, long pause and through teary eyes, she said "I know you need to go but can I just sit for a while?" What? No fireworks? No screaming? No crying? Just seeing her sit there made me feel horrible, but she wanted to stay?

Of course now I'm thinking she could trash the place or burn my shit or whatever. But she still seemed sweet and I really, really had to go so I said "yes". Perhaps it was a good instinct on my part, I don't know, but there was no catastrophic ending wherein she spray-painted my walls and tore up my bed or whatever. When I got home later that night (I didn't have any fun!) she was gone. That was it.

I actually had very little contact with her after that. We had a mutual friend who sort of kept me abreast of M's life but not much else.

Flash forward two years. At this point I've been dating my now wife for about a year. One day she asks me, "Do you know M?"

"Yeah" I said. "I used to know her. Haven't seen her in a long time though." I had no idea how much my wife knew about us but was curious where this was going.

"We work together in (a residence) Hall at (college). She said she dated you for a while and thought you were great".

Errrrr???? I thought. Thought I was great? I didn't think I handled things with her so great. But it was nice to know. "Yeah, she was a nice kid. It just didn't work out, you know?" I think I told her the grandfather story at that point.

The two stayed friends for a couple years in what to me appeared to be a totally non-awkward situation and later I learned M got married and was leading a reasonably productive life.

And years later, the lovely Mrs. Blogger and I got married and lead our own productive lives.

Man, if that situation doesn't make me appreciate my wife's family though.

What Do You Want Me To Do (About It)?

How often have you phrased something incorrectly and your intention or tone was totally misconstrued? How often, when people argue, are they closer to common ground than they actually realize, but because one is trying so desperately to be understood that they fail to stop, think and listen so as to actually understand? How often, if both parties were to make more of an attempt to find what they are in agreement with rather than harp on the differences would issues not escalate.

Miscommunication seems to be the breeding ground for spousal strife. They say kids and money too, but to me lack of understanding is the troll under the bride for marriage.

Mrs. Blogger went out with her sister and a friend on Friday night. By around 11:30 or so I had dozed off only to be awakened as the house phone rang. I didn't get to it in time but noticed it was Mrs. B's cell phone. Although a tad bit concerned, it is not uncommon for her to call to tell me she'll be home shortly, or is on her way or to say she's still out but not to worry. She knows I'm usually up at that hour.

Still groggy and disoriented from such a short amount of sleep I answered my cell phone when it rang next. Of course it the Mrs. and she said, "My car won't start. I'm in (my sister's) car and I'm freezing, too." She sounded curt and pissed off which is totally understandable when one's car shits the bed in the middle of the night, right?

I asked where she was and she told me she was outside a quiet little pub in her hometown, maybe 25 minutes drive from my house. Knowing she was safe and sound with her sister I uttered 7 words I wish, afterwards, I could get back. I said "What do you want me to do?".

The question I was asking in my head was -- "Do you want me to come up there? Do you want me to meet you at your sister's house? Would you like me to come see if I can get it started? Are you telling me you will just go to your sister's house and spend the night? Is she driving you home?"

You know what she heard? "What do you want me to do about it?". Big difference, no?

Phrased that way it sounds like I'm saying there's nothing I can do, so deal with it. In my defense I was a bit pissed off at the prospect of car troubles, tow trucks and repairs shops other than my own mechanic's. Yet, I was already getting up and to throw some clothes on and thinking about what tools to grab, where my flashlight was and whether the Little One will stay asleep as I load her in the car.

But the wife is hearing, essentially, "tough!". Strike one!

As we were on the phone, she and her sister were going through numerous options and settled on my wife taking her car home and then going back up the next morning to take care of calling Triple A and all that good stuff. I was in a bind the next morning in that I had a major golf tournament at 7:33 so I was going to be worthless until after lunch. At some point as they sorted through the options I chimed in with, "Do you just want me to come up?" She never heard it, apparently. Ouch. Strike two!

I have to admit though, their solution sounded like a perfect way to deal with the situation so I went with it.

My agreement to the idea, however, made it seem to Mrs. B. that I didn't want to help. Big mistake on my part.

Sigh! Strike three!

When she got home she more or less shot daggers through me with her eyes. For the life of me, I didn't know why. I asked what was the matter and it all blew up. I heard how nobody seemed to want to help her and how she didn't want to take her sister's car home and on and on. The part about how nobody wanted to help angered me in that I would never, under any circumstances, not do everything in my power to assist her in time of need. My issue was that she thought, for even one second, that I was unwilling to help her out. I felt insulted.

Each of us, at this point, could have done a much better job of listening.

The whole time, of course, I'm unaware how she took "What do you want me to do?" As our argument escalated, at 1 a.m. no less, her viewpoint on the entire thing slowly sifted through my thick skull and I sort of got the hang of her frustration. I don't feel she ever got the hang of my frustration though.

I learned that what she really wanted to hear from me was, "I'll be right there." Simple as that. Unfortunately, it came in code and I didn't see it. My retort upon learning that was, "If you want something, or I don't seem to be getting the hint, you really, really need to tell me. I can't read minds" I went on to further explain that I can't be held accountable for not doing something when its not clear what I was supposed to be doing. What's not clear, though, is whether she gets my view on it but I don't believe she understands why I was so angered and frustrated.

I tried to explain how the logic of their solution to the problem seemed perfect for the situation being that I was home with a sleeping four and a half year old and surely wouldn't be able to start to car. I was more than willing to offer whatever assistance was required but it seemed at that point my help was not necessary.

It was though. It was more than just a dead car in the middle of the night.

I know for sure next time I'll simply say, "Where are you? I'll be right there!". I wish I had.