Thoughts

I try to learn from my mistakes. But often it doesn't matter. It just ends up confusing me further.

The wife and I had a disagreement last night. It wasn't a fight. There was no yelling or argument really. It was a revelation. An "oh" about something I had done but was supposed to do differently. The problem was, without prior discussion, there could be no feasible way I could predict it and act differently.

Afterwards, there was basically silence for the rest of the night since it was near bedtime. Then we cuddled until dozing off.

Sure, I thought of things to say. About 50 different things. But then I remembered I don't always get my point across well, or I speak in haste and regret what I said. I don't fight "mean" (nor does she) but I don't always do a good job of making myself clear. Frequently, I don't feel 100% clear about my own point. How can I expect her to understand? And during these times, I so frequently don't understand her.

Then the next day I feel like shit. Even if I don't feel at fault I feel remorseful that it "happened" and that I could have done something to not let it happen. But I'm rarely sure what.

So I clammed up. As did she. And today I still feel like shit. To top it all off, she left this morning without a kiss goodbye although I think it was a coincidental oversight because it was hectic around the house this morning getting the Little One ready and both of us running late. We always kiss goodbye in the morning. And I'm sure it was just a coincidence. But its pause for thought. Is it subconscious? You know?

However, I was proud of myself last night for not saying anything. Letting it simmer. Letting me organize my thoughts.

But you know what? I still feel shitty today. And frankly, I'm not sure there's anything I could have done differently. This, too, will pass. But in the meantime its a bothersome feeling and it distracts me throughout the day. I am such a ponderer at times it drives me nuts. I hate that things can preoccupy my thoughts to such an extent.

I just want to make it better. Make it go away. But. I never seem to know how.

Sigh.

What Do You Want Me To Do (About It)?

How often have you phrased something incorrectly and your intention or tone was totally misconstrued? How often, when people argue, are they closer to common ground than they actually realize, but because one is trying so desperately to be understood that they fail to stop, think and listen so as to actually understand? How often, if both parties were to make more of an attempt to find what they are in agreement with rather than harp on the differences would issues not escalate.

Miscommunication seems to be the breeding ground for spousal strife. They say kids and money too, but to me lack of understanding is the troll under the bride for marriage.

Mrs. Blogger went out with her sister and a friend on Friday night. By around 11:30 or so I had dozed off only to be awakened as the house phone rang. I didn't get to it in time but noticed it was Mrs. B's cell phone. Although a tad bit concerned, it is not uncommon for her to call to tell me she'll be home shortly, or is on her way or to say she's still out but not to worry. She knows I'm usually up at that hour.

Still groggy and disoriented from such a short amount of sleep I answered my cell phone when it rang next. Of course it the Mrs. and she said, "My car won't start. I'm in (my sister's) car and I'm freezing, too." She sounded curt and pissed off which is totally understandable when one's car shits the bed in the middle of the night, right?

I asked where she was and she told me she was outside a quiet little pub in her hometown, maybe 25 minutes drive from my house. Knowing she was safe and sound with her sister I uttered 7 words I wish, afterwards, I could get back. I said "What do you want me to do?".

The question I was asking in my head was -- "Do you want me to come up there? Do you want me to meet you at your sister's house? Would you like me to come see if I can get it started? Are you telling me you will just go to your sister's house and spend the night? Is she driving you home?"

You know what she heard? "What do you want me to do about it?". Big difference, no?

Phrased that way it sounds like I'm saying there's nothing I can do, so deal with it. In my defense I was a bit pissed off at the prospect of car troubles, tow trucks and repairs shops other than my own mechanic's. Yet, I was already getting up and to throw some clothes on and thinking about what tools to grab, where my flashlight was and whether the Little One will stay asleep as I load her in the car.

But the wife is hearing, essentially, "tough!". Strike one!

As we were on the phone, she and her sister were going through numerous options and settled on my wife taking her car home and then going back up the next morning to take care of calling Triple A and all that good stuff. I was in a bind the next morning in that I had a major golf tournament at 7:33 so I was going to be worthless until after lunch. At some point as they sorted through the options I chimed in with, "Do you just want me to come up?" She never heard it, apparently. Ouch. Strike two!

I have to admit though, their solution sounded like a perfect way to deal with the situation so I went with it.

My agreement to the idea, however, made it seem to Mrs. B. that I didn't want to help. Big mistake on my part.

Sigh! Strike three!

When she got home she more or less shot daggers through me with her eyes. For the life of me, I didn't know why. I asked what was the matter and it all blew up. I heard how nobody seemed to want to help her and how she didn't want to take her sister's car home and on and on. The part about how nobody wanted to help angered me in that I would never, under any circumstances, not do everything in my power to assist her in time of need. My issue was that she thought, for even one second, that I was unwilling to help her out. I felt insulted.

Each of us, at this point, could have done a much better job of listening.

The whole time, of course, I'm unaware how she took "What do you want me to do?" As our argument escalated, at 1 a.m. no less, her viewpoint on the entire thing slowly sifted through my thick skull and I sort of got the hang of her frustration. I don't feel she ever got the hang of my frustration though.

I learned that what she really wanted to hear from me was, "I'll be right there." Simple as that. Unfortunately, it came in code and I didn't see it. My retort upon learning that was, "If you want something, or I don't seem to be getting the hint, you really, really need to tell me. I can't read minds" I went on to further explain that I can't be held accountable for not doing something when its not clear what I was supposed to be doing. What's not clear, though, is whether she gets my view on it but I don't believe she understands why I was so angered and frustrated.

I tried to explain how the logic of their solution to the problem seemed perfect for the situation being that I was home with a sleeping four and a half year old and surely wouldn't be able to start to car. I was more than willing to offer whatever assistance was required but it seemed at that point my help was not necessary.

It was though. It was more than just a dead car in the middle of the night.

I know for sure next time I'll simply say, "Where are you? I'll be right there!". I wish I had.