I HATE this!

BEWARE! PARENTHESIS APLENTY FOLLOW!

This occurred 90 seconds ago while I sat at my desk eating Chinese food and sipping a Canada Dry Ginger Ale. Our receptionist stepped out for lunch so Princess Fiona and I filled in to answer phones. (Yes, we have a voice mail automated attendant, but "Company Policy" is to have live people to answer if at all possible. I'd have to agree with that policy. There's nothing more frustrating than "If you're calling about unsightly back hair, press "12" - toe nail fungus press "13" - rectal itch press "14" - you've lost your hand in a kiln explosion "15" - you're head is trapped in an alligator's mouth "16" -- "Dammit! When are they going to get to a scratchy throat and runny nose?").

Ring, ring (I believe that's the standard text for phones ringing when, in fact, NOBODY'S phone "rings" anymore provided you're not 89 years old and still have a 1942 rotary dial. I'd never survive with one of those as its AWFUL difficult to check one's checking account balance with those dinosaurs, no? (press one for savings, two for checking - dial, "click, click, click, click, click" We're sorry, we did not get your response. Please, try again). Therefore, to be perfectly accurate our phone "rings" more like bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop) - Yes, I did parenthesis inside parenthesis. Just checking to see if you can all keep up. There will be a quiz later.

Me: Good afternoon and thank you for calling Widget Corporation, a subsidy of Blowme Enterprises, to whom may I have the pleasure of helping today and if you'd like to take our survey after our service, please press "1" at the end of your call. (Ok, we're not nearly that bad here, but I swear, more and more of my phone calls going out are greeted with some 22 minute expose on how great and important I, the caller, am and how anxious they all are to meet each and ever need of mine. Well, there are certain needs they simply cannot meet and nor do I want them to." And that brings me to the phrase, "More than happy to help." Ummmm....no you're not!! NOBODY is MORE THAN HAPPY to help ANYBODY with ANYTHING, especially when its your JOB).

Caller: Um. Yeah. Someone there, uh, just called me? (Yeah, ok dude. Each and every one of our 6 or so on-site people do a general interoffice page to let all the others know he/she just made a phone call that was not answered. So, fear not! I know exactly who called you).

Me: (Of course I have to be pleasant because I'm at work even though I already hate this guy) Ok. Are you a current client of Widget Corporation?

Caller: Who?

Me: Widget Corporation. That's who you just called (didn't you fucking listen to my 3 minute answering speech?).

Caller: Uh, I don't think so, but, uh, someone there just called me (Duh! We got that one Einstein).

Me: Ok. I can try to check around (This is office code for put you on hold, stuff two more fork fulls of lunch into my face, then pick up two minutes later to announce, "Sir? Nobody here knows anything about it" and hope he goes away). What's your name, sir?

Caller: Uh, maybe it was a, a, um, wrong number (At this point he's hooked me line and sinker with his ease and elegant prose with the English language and I hang excitedly on his next phrase and witticism).

Me: Possibly (you dumb shit).

Caller: Uh. Ok. Bye (thank God!).

Me: Good-bye (Butt-head) and thank you *click* for calling Wid....... (Hmmm...I guess he didn't want to do the survey).

Seriously, who calls back numbers on caller ID when the caller didn't leave a messages?

Hell, I can't stand answering most of the calls from people I know let alone taking valuable time tracking down possible solicitation (No! We don't do that here) phone calls from companies I don't know.

I decided against the parenthesis quiz. Class dismissed.