Know Your Breads

So for Mother's Day I thought it'd be nice if I swung by Panera Bread to pick up some tasty vittles for the family to chow down. For the unfamiliar, Panera Bread is one of those boutique-type, pseudo Italian designed chain franchises where you can get a bagel and a cup of joe for around $7.24 all the while taking advantage of their free Wi-Fi. I don't know about you, but on occasion when I have important porn surfing to do Panera Bread isn't my first place of choice. I guess I could check my email there too, but it can wait another 8 minutes until I get home.

I've never been in one but they're very Starbucksy. And JUST as confusing.

Apparently, they have some special line system where you wait in a cattle corral and one of the "associates" will call you up. Associate implies they're one step from ownership, but anyone taking orders, pushing buttons, and giving change and a baggie full of goodies is a cashier in my book. These cashiers just weren't ownership material believe you me!

Anyway, there were no velvet ropes or stainless poles to guide the ignorant such as myself. Merely the regular customers who know their system. Its a good system, though, as you are less likely to get stuck behind a lady in knee highs fishing for an Indian Head Nickle from the bottom of her 15 gallon purse. Therefore, I unknowingly relied on veteran leadership to "guide" me along the line process as Charles the 3rd, or whatever his name was, and his Izod pastel shirt were all-too-glad to enlighten me. "Hey Chucky-boy! 1985 called, they want their too-tight polo shirt back."

"I"m just looking at the menu" was my reply so as not to look too stupid. Although, I WAS wondering why THAT particular register was open and the other had a line of 10 or so people. Honestly, I thought that line was for phone orders which would mean a HELL of a lot of people thought way too far ahead what bread they wanted for breakfast. I'm the sort that plans about 4 minutes in advance.

So, naturally, I perused the menu to appease Chuck. I even took my time. But that made me feel even more stupid.

I expected high prices and I've had their food and it really is delicious. But, I don't have any idea what the fuck half that stuff is. I know Wendy's has special breads and stuff for their sandwiches but I think that's menu propaganda and if I really ordered an Artisan Pumpkin Seed Thrice Parmageaned Turkey Wrap the late Dave Thomas would personally reincarnate himself, kick me in the Jimmy and demand I get a Triple Classic Burger with bacon and extra cheese.

People! Whatever happened to a cinnamon raisin bagel? Or a hard roll with butter?

What is ---

Focaccia? Dunno. Sounds like staph infection bacteria. Or a blue movie stunt.
Caibatta? No idea. I thought that was the Wookie side-kick to Han Solo. I ain't eatin' him!
Asiago Cheese? Hmm.....sounds like something went bad and smelly in a hot trunk. I'll pass.
Miche? Demi? Perhaps bad '80s actors.
A baguette? I know this one! Small plastic implement for carrying groceries. Yuck!

Anyway, they're advanced terminology and complicated line system was too much for this mere caveman unfamiliar with the ways of the modern world.

So I saved myself $32 and went home empty handed where I made some potted regular flavored coffee and plain, toasted bagels with butter on them.

Oh, I had some Apple Jacks too. To which that I can relate.