The Holiday

Ok, so last night I watched The Holiday. Whilst fully understanding the target audience of this romantic "comedy" I still found it an entertaining enough movie. Long. Oh, God was it long. But entertaining in its own right.

Maybe because I'm not the proper demographic, I am left with one question.....

Where the fuck did the dog come from?

Have you seen it? Anyone? Help. Perhaps the answers are on the cutting room floor?

Iris/Kate Winslet/Rose from Titanic, apparently not over the fact that she should have stayed on the lifeboat in the first place, thereby leaving the floating door for Jack all by himself, decides to trade her house for two weeks with a complete Internet stranger. Good idea. I'm not sure about you, but trading my house for some dude's crusty mattress under an off-ramp bridge sounds awful good.

Having said that, Rose did look good for being, what, 113 years old? Didn't she die at the end? Or was it all just a dream? Shoulda kept the diamond, too, you dumb bitch. Give it to your granddauther after you forced her to hear about how great some guy you screwed for two days was but don't even mention your husband of years and years? Sheesh! It was her grandfather for cryin' out loud!

In any event, she lucks out and trades her Flintstone-like residence with Amanda/Cameron Diaz/Mary/Natalie from Charlie's Angels thereby getting herself an impossibly cool Hollywood Manse. No, Warren wasn't around ("have you stheen my batheball?"). Apparently, Cameron Diaz's career has sufficiently recovered from that Charlie's Angels big budget horror-show to make more drivel. Obviously, Elizabeth Berkley was off with Slater or too busy stuffing her hands down her g-string making Showgirls II to take the part. Shame. This movie coulda used more T&A. But then, most could.

And don't get me started on Charlie's Angels. I'll just get all upset.

So, moving forward, our beautiful female protagonists have impossibly agreed to trade houses in a matter of seconds even going so far as to swap houses the very next day. Uh huh! That must happen all the time. It was all arranged online too! What better place to wheel and deal. If you can't trust a stranger online, who can you trust? Am I right?

But wait. Soon the movie causes one to really, really suspend their disbelief. In a scene a bit later, Amanda is sitting there on the phone while on "holiday" and suddenly there's a dog!!! A cute, tiny, little Benji is staring at her like he's been there the whole time. Again, I fully realize the "awwwww" factor of adorable little brown dogs and their ability to make movie audience's smile. But this mutt is crow barred into the move and I'm not sure why. Perhaps Jimmy fell down a well.

Unfortunately, Mr. Perennially Skeptic here couldn't help uttering to himself, "Where the fuck did the dog come from? It obviously lives there. Who's is it?" Some answers just have to remain mysteries I guess.

Surely, I don't recall Benji being on the plane with Amanda. He wasn't stuffed in a crate as she oh-so-comically trudged 20-odd miles to Fred's/Rose's house, through the snow, hauling luggage all while in 6-inch stilettos. So, then, did Iris leave him there? Would she do that? In a barely heated cartoon house in the dead of winter in England? Yet there was never a mention of the house smelling like dog shit when Amanda arrived. Is he a rabid stray? Oh, that'd be great! Little Cujo could have surely created some non-obvious excitement for the movie. I would have loved some hysterical scenes of Amanda getting a 22" needle into her stomach as she foams at the mouth. Alas, the writers didn't see fit to include that.

In any event, he just, like.....appears. A doggy angel perhaps except without the "this is your crappy life" flashbacks.

Anyway, predictably, each party is left to get over current bad romances to begin anew. And Iris finds Jack Black. Just as we all do. In every goddamn movie. Jack Black. Isn't he exactly the same character in every movie? Is what he does acting? Is what he does funny? I think he's just himself every time reading lines. Then again, so is Natalie/Mary/Cameron Diaz.

Well, Iris (I never have a bad word for Kate Winslet - rowr, rowr. Rose, yes, but Kate, no.) eventually falls for him and his Sam Donaldson eyebrows while Amanda falls for Jude Law assuming he doesn't turn around and fall for their babysitter later in life (didn't he do that in real life? Hmmmm.....creepy.). Of course the two were fuck-buddies the first night, but in the movies that seems to be something to get over quickly.

OH MY GOD! I'm just now realizing how many spoilers I've given to this movie. I am sooooo sorry. I fear I've given away way to much. Nobody could possibly foresee the twists and turns of this cinematic masterpiece any more than one would notice the Andrea Doria cruising down Broadway. I can't believe I'm ruining it. Again. Sorry.

Its a cute movie. I almost chuckled out loud a few times. I almost didn't notice the incredibly slow digital readout of time passing on my DVD player ("Christ! Will 2:07 just get here!!). I struggled to pause it nearly every 6 minutes as an excuse to do any kind of frivolous chore ("What honey? You need the dog poop scooped outside? Let me just pause this movie, I'll be right there") I almost fell for the instantaneous "love" the parties felt for each other. Although, it would help explain why their previous relationships were so screwed up. I almost fell for the whole house-swap thing (does that really happen?). Of course I fell for how impossibly successful everyone in the movie is. Its important that movie-goers learn that rich people are unhappy as well. "Yay! Rich people are unhappy! My life doesn't suck afterall."

Yep, I got it all figured out.

If only I could figure out where the hell that damn dog came from.