Privvy to my World

I am about to invite you into the inner workings of my world. Tread lightly and be respectful. Its not politically correct nor is it G-rated, so if you read my blog as bedtime stories to your children, tonight would be a good one to kick retro style and perhaps review Green Eggs and Ham.

Think of this as sort of like Cribs, but for text messaging.

My slightly younger brother and I delight and frequently sending texts to each other about people from the neighborhood in which we grew up. Inevitably, its about something we've made up but the artistry and humor is in thinking of someone the receiver hasn't thought of in years and years. Sometimes we'll drop a name in a voicemail as well. "Dude. Its me! Peter Jones. How ya been? Wanna hang out?" That sort of stuff.

Go ahead, borrow it. Try it with your siblings or childhood friends. Guaranteed to slay them.

Here's our latest word-for-word conversation and its translation. We are neither mature or intelligent but goddamn if it doesn't make us laugh.

B: Dave V. (kid in our neighborhood) was a fucked up dude (text came from out of the blue)

Me: I agree. Something just come out in therapy?

B: No. Chris S. would have come up in therapy (made gay advances towards B in H.S.) .

Me: He came up in your what? Ewwwwwww. Exactly what prompted the Dave V text?

B: T (his son) and I were skateboarding (Dave was always on a skateboard.)

Me: Oh, funny you mention that - I was just naked under an umbrella and thinking about Carol L. (she got naked under an umbrella with a neighborhood kid on a dare - we were probably 8)

B: What the fuck? That name would never come up in a million years (THAT'S the point!).

Me: Even while nude under an umbrella? Every time I am I think of her and PJ (the other kid) - I thought everyone did.

B: I was just daydreaming about Paula S.

Me: Me too - wait! who?

B: That chick that used to live next to K-Fag (childhood friend of B and we called him that nickname all his childhood and he grew up to be really good looking but then did a couple gay porns for $13,000- that sentence should give me some good google hits, eh Radioactivegirl? ) but moved away in second grade but not before showing me her vagina (this post just may set a record for hits.)

Me: Ohhhhh. I always mix her up with Cindy C (that's me grasping at straws and another extraneous name)

B: No, she looked more like old man Peterson's (wrong name) granddaughter. The one you were messing around with after Greg B. was done with her (ALL untrue! I assure you. Now he's F-ing with me!)

Me: Yeah? Well you did Daisy (good comeback, eh?) - Mr. Shultz's poor beagle (extremely old man who walked his dog every day and we would chat with him)

B: Daisy had a sweet ass. I just ran into Mr. S. He looks good (he would be at least 115 now).

Me: He was the best! Who was Peterson?

B: I couldn't remember his name (he meant Mr. Schultz).

Me: (Staying with the elderly - I'm going to hell for sure) Remember Mrs. C, Bobby's mom and Mrs. J. had that hot lesbo 3-way? (not one person in question was under 80)

B: Yeah. Its on Youtube.

There you have it. Our complex and thoughtful communications that both provoke, enlighten and entertain all at the time. Its a regular mensa meeting via Verizon.

Anyway, thanks for visiting. Now leave. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.