Welcome!

Ah! There you are! Welcome to the land of decadence and excess. Las Vegas. Where bigger IS not only better its the only way we know. The American way. You'll find that everything is big in Vegas. Gaudy too. And expensive - unless its free. You see, there's no in-between here. Its either comped, or its expensive. Unless you prefer to go off the strip for a steak and shrimp for $7.95. Hmmmm.....I'd pass. Anyway, need a cab? No! You need a limo. Its the only way to travel. We highly recommend it and we'll get you to your hotel in a jiffy. Comped by your hotel of course.

Excuse me? Oh, you're hungry after traveling? But of course. Six peanuts and a Coke didn't fill you up in your five hour flight. Well, no problem. We have so much to choose from. And, of course a regular portion will simply not do and even if it did, we would have nothing of it. Bacon and turkey club? Here you go! Take it apart if you must.....there's physically no other way to eat it unless you can disengage your jaw like a snake. How was it? Good. $18.95 please. We'll comp it later off your hotel bill if you gamble enough.

Speaking of hotel bill, of course you require lodging. How about a 3,000 room monstrosity with 40 or so stores and restaurants in the lobby. A theater? We have two. Bars? Oh, about 10. Surely, you'll be impressed as we all try to outdo the others with our architecture, shows, size, features, originality or just plain outlandishness. Actually, that word doesn't exist here. To be outlandish you would need something to compare it too. Can something be outlandish or garish if everything is? No more than one could be tall in a world where everyone is the same height. But then, we're archaic having been built about 14 years ago. Probably implode the thing in a few years and start fresh. Until then, enjoy! And yes, we have a mini bar in the room. With sensors! Only touch what you plan on eating.

Shopping? Hell yeah, we have that! More than you could ever dream of. You'll lose yourself on the Vegas strip where there apparently are NO planning and zoning ordinances. Were you can build space needles with roller coasters on top or go on a singing guided gondola ride down the canal inside the mall inside the hotel that houses the casino. Were you looking for deals? Hmmmm....afraid we come up just a bit short on that. Sure, you can find stuff in kiosks and the like for a bargain. Oh wait! We may have a pair of sunglasses on sale for $295. Over there....by the Rolex store.

Thirsty while shopping? We have enclaves adjacent to bars where you may purchase something to your taste. Pina Colada. Good choice. $12.95 please. And, of course you can walk around with it from store to store. Or even take it outside on your excursion to visit other garish hotels.

Speaking of hotels, want one that looks like a jet black pyramid complete with laser shooting out the top that can be seen from space? We have it! How about one replicating New York City complete with "taxi-cab" roller coaster throughout? Not a problem. Its down near the one with the 24/7 circus happening inside. No, not the Harley Davidson, Playboy or Hooters themed one. The other one. Over there. Take a right at the full sized pirate ship. Shows every 30 minutes by the way.

Tired from all that shopping? Wish to relax? Please, then, visit the hotel pool. Of course its huge...we know no other way....with a waterfall....and an adjacent porpoise exhibit....near the white tiger display. Yeah, that tiger. The one that tried to eat Roy. Keep your hands clear.

Gets hot in the sun. Its dry too. We are in the desert afterall. You must be thirsty again from soaking up our gorgeous sunshine. Perhaps you'd like a strawberry margarita. No ordinary margarita will do my friend. You require a margarita of epic proportions. A belly bloating cross-eyed inducing concoction. And yes, you can take with you if you don't finish by the pool.

Gambling? Golf? Shows? We have that too. World class of course! Well....maybe Celine Dion is. Not sure Donny Osmond or the Amazing Jonathan qualify as world class.

Anyway, you must be tired from an endless diet of gluttony only interrupted by negligible amounts of sleep. Oh, you got three hours last night? Ah, you're fine then. And yes, the bar is open at 6am if that's your thing.

We're certainly glad you stayed with us. We're VERY glad you kept going back to the craps table even though they were beating you up. Blackjack wasn't enough even though you were winning. You just had to throw them bones! Good for you! Least you earned a few dinners on us from you comp points.

Thanks. Have a nice trip home to normalcy. Please, please, come again. We'll have the limo waiting.