Regal Burger

From age 16 to 18 I did a three year stretch working for a major hamburger fast food chain. Three years in which I saw my wages skyrocket from a generous $3.37 per hour to $4.05 when I left. $4.05! Work a week and you live the life of luxury with about $138 in your pocket! Robin Leech called to do an expose but I turned him down. Yet, one of my managers STILL works there. From over twenty years ago. He must be a millionaire now. Anyway, I did every imaginable job there. Food prep, cash registers, etc. If I ever wanted back in, I'd have quite the resume.

Some of my many skills acquired......

Capable of separating frozen patties by prying with knife, slamming them on freezer sides or shoe sole and feeding burgers into a 1 million degree griller so quickly that it would occasionally stop up like some clogged flaming toilet.

Proficient at receiving said piping hot burgers, occasionally using tongs even, bunning them and putting them in steamer storage for 3, 4 or 8 hours without eating more than three an hour.

Able to condiment and wrap the burgers pursuant to industry "how-to" movies and in exact accordance with the Fonzi-type character's instruction (what'd he say? six ounces of mayo? 1/2 pound of onion? ok). Also, bought into what a cool place it is to work and that with his earnings he saved for his first bike! Damn! I only hope I could some day be a cool 42 year old fast food employee with a motorcycle. Bitchin'! Bet he gets all the babes.

Expert in working the frier which entailed cooking french fries, onion rings, or hashbrowns to perfection since the 80 dB beeper-thingy told me, oh 60, 70 times a day when perfection was. Also, posess the skills needed to salt some of the fries to stroke-threatening dangerous levels (b.p. 260 over 140), yet able to leave some fries entirely saltless and therefore flavorless. Furthermore, gained aptitude in fry-o-lating "other" things, some winged, some not, but none on the menu.

Apt at taking orders and goofing on drunk people in drive-thru during "cruise night" which at times meant reading back orders having nothing to do with the one they just placed. Even foods we don't even serve. "Ok, so that's a foot long Spicy Italian, Cherry Slurpee and a side order of oysters on the half shell? $6.95, please drive around".

Other experience/qualifications: Drinking after hours in restaurant or parking lot; Eating everything and anything in sight (1/2 price meals, hahahahahahah! good one! not hungry though); Stretching the limits of the "5 second rule"; Creating new and inventive soda/ketchup/milkshake/mayo/orange juice/beef/onion concoctions; Over-ringing certain $5 orders for that little extra spending money; Keeping a pickle chip in my mouth for an entire 8 hour shift (the rind survives, but apparently the center part begins decomposition around hour 4) and serving said pickle on a "special order" (the hysterical laughter/wretching of my co-workers as we peered around the milkshake machine and watched our victim taught us more more about teamwork than pseudo-Fonzi ever could); and, above all, sporting fake corduroy pants with rayon plaid shirt onto which was sewed a pants-matching fake corduroy vest and not getting my ass kicked for looking like a fucktard.

Thank you for considering my application. References, in the form of my two best friends and chief accomplices, available upon request.