Dude! Its southern New England --
We don't need three days of forecasting for a snow dusting that my Pledge-challenged furniture would giggle at!
We don't need your "snow tonight, stay tuned for our 11pm forecast to find out how much" at 5:15 so that at 11:25 you can tell us it won't be much of a deal!
We don't need your impending doom snow teasers that excite every wheelchair license-plated, blue-head driving, look between the steering wheel and the dashboard piloted 1983 Delta 88 so much that they "dash out" to the grocery store to stock up on supplies as if we might be snow-bound until Easter. (Gramma, my car idles faster than you're driving - the "snow" is tomorrow, not today - please, please, turn your blinker off and push the rectangle on the right -- and I think new batteries, a flashlight, some knee-highs, cat food, Metamucil, 3 gallons of milk, frozen scalloped potatoes and 4 loaves of bread for your single-person dwelling is plenty to get you through this disaster)!
Lastly, Mr. Weatherman we don't need everyone who witnessed your 3 day tirade about the impending "weather" to follow your advice by exercizing "caution" while driving if caution means going 4 m.p.h. on a perfectly dry and snowless highway on which I'll soon be for 18 miles!
Again! Its southern New England. Most of us have seen much, much more snow before. Ok?
Having said all that --- this is to you, Mr. Yuppie SUV-driving-4x4 guy in the ditch.....4x4's don't STOP any faster than non 4X4's....they merely propel you through the snow more efficienlty....slow down next time, dickhead.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Dude! Its southern New England --
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
I forgot to mention --- Saturday night, Mrs. Blogger and I had a few drinks, got the Little One down (no small feat) and played Strip Trouble into the wee hours. Remember that game? The one that has a little clear plastic popper thingy in the middle with a die in it. You pop the thingy and chase those little colored pegs around the board. Well......she KICKED MY ASS! Bad! I suck-diddly-ucked! We changed clothes and she did it again in game two thereby killing any chance of me being nationally ranked.
In the end, though, I STILL felt like a winner ;)
Feel free to contact me if you would like an official set of rules.
As I look down at the edges of my black shirt, I have learned that not only does "clear" deodorant make ones armpits more moist than sans deodorant, but the stains on my shit are anything but clear. Apparently, no amount of scrubbing in the company restroom will remedy the situation either.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Anybody ever wake up at night and think about their blog? What you want to write about? How you're going to write it, etc.?
Hmmm.....no? Ok, me neither, lol
Watched Da Vinci Code this weekend....it was just ok....stayed true to the book for the most part.
Last year about this time, I was at the gym doing my best impression of a hampster on a treadmill. In front of me the television was showing a preview for "Lost". An attractive, young woman next to me on the stepper, whom I don't believe I had ever seen before, leaned towards me and asked out of the blue, "Do you watch Lost?"
A bit taken aback, I said I didn't.
She replied, very friendly-like, "You don't? Oh my God, its like the BEST show. You HAVE to watch it."
I said I just might have to, with a chuckle.
"Good. Next time I see you here I'm going to ask you if you have".
What a very odd conversation but not at all unpleasant. There was no intro to our talk even. She talked to me like I knew her and wanted to do me a favor.
Later the same day Mrs. Blogger arrived from work, noticed the house was warm and said, "Good, the oil guy came out today?"
"Yeah, he did. We should be all set now" I replied looking up from the evening paper.
"I didn't notice this morning. Did we have tons of laundry in there?" she said as she stepped down the 6 stairs towards the boiler room.
"Don't we always?" I laughed.
"Oh man! My panties are right on top!! Why didn't you move them?"
"I didn't have time and I didn't even think about it. The guy was in the driveway when I arrived. We walked in together."
"Well, a least they were sexy ones" she said showing me some lacey white ones on top of the basket she was carrying to the bedroom.
"Yeah, its important that you let the oil repair guy, who you will never see again, who doesn't even know you, see that you wear sexy panties" I chuckled.
She peered back over her shoulder. "Its a reflection of YOU honey" she said with a smile.
Thinking about it, she's right. I'd rather he know my wife wear nice underthings (or outerthings for that matter) than not. After all this time I still find her incredibly attractive, sexy, etc. and I DO like to show her off. What a cool lady!
Of course, I'll have to remember her all-too-frequent-consideration of me the next time she's feeling bloated and wearing those big old Haines Her Way.
Friday, January 26, 2007
Remember all the hoopla about Global Warming? Remember earlier this month I was saying I had been golfing? Fuggedabouit!!
I arose to the windows shaking from a vicious gale. A peek at the outdoor thermometer revealed 0.8 F (that right! zero point 8 degrees -- good thing for the "point 8"). With wind! Maybe 25 miles per hour. They've even closed or delayed some schools so the kids don't have to stand out waiting on a bus (I sure don't remember "cold days" when I was a kid). Anyway, I looked up the windchill scale and I may have misread the grid but I think it said minus 272 Kelvin which would make it feel about 1 degree higher than absolute zero, or the point at which everything, even at the molecular level, is frozen! Again, good thing for that point 8.
Oh, and the sonic boom you heard this morning? It was was created by the speed at which my nuts receded into by body cavity upon stepping outside. Brrrrrr..........
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Guilty pleasures. I've had them, you've had them.....
You know what I mean. Finding some sort of pleasure, any kind, in something you probably shouldn't have, feel badly about, or are ashamed to admit.
Maybe its singing out loud to Mandy by Barry Manilow when you hear it or (if you're a guy) knowing all the words to I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor (First I was afraid/I was petrified/Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side/But I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong....)
Or perhaps it was that third plate of lasagna with oh-so-much-cheese on top followed by a pint of Spunky Monkey Uber Chocolate Chip Fudge Nut Carmel Ice Cream that you thought adding sprinkles to would really set it apart (I should have changed my stupid lock/I should have made you leave your key/If I had known for just one second/you'd be back to bother me....).
Or maybe, again if you're a guy (or some girls, I suppose), that peak down a too-loose blouse or up a too-short skirt. Of course, its really nothing you can't see by the pool or at the beach but somehow its different and you know you shouldn't look just as you know you shouldn't look at that squished squirrel on your morning walk. But you do (Go on now go / walk out the door /don't turn around now / 'cause you're not welcome anymore / weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye? /you think I'd crumble? / you think I'd lay down and die?....)
Or it could even be that movie that's always on. Ten a.m. Sunday morning, three a.m. Saturday morning. Doesn't matter, its on. You've seen it 50 times, yet it stops in your your channel-surfing tracks so much so that after planting yourself you don't even move your little blankie to hunt, yet again, for the damn remote. Which movie is it? Is it Road House? Patrick Swayze and his "Pain don't hurt" comment that makes you roll your eyes every friggin time, yet you STILL watch the movie to the end from whatever point you entered it? (Oh no, not I / I will survive / as long as i know how to love I know I will stay alive / I've got all my life to live / I've got all my love to give /and I'll survive / I will survive / Hey! Hey!.....)
[Hmmm....what's that song rattling around in your head? --- heh heh heh! ]
Anyway, along the lines of Guilty Pleasures and movies, I watched Talledega Nights, The Ballad of Ricky Bobby last night. I know...it should suck. I expected it to suck. And perhaps to many it did. But, I have to say, I laughed my ass off. Hard. Not since 40 Year Old Virgin have I laughed out loud that much at a movie. To be fair, I can't say that I'm a huge Will Farrel fan outside of his work on Saturday Night Live (particularly George Dubya and the cheerleader) but this movie struck me as slightly different. It didn't always take the path I expected but continued to make me laugh out loud. And HE wasn't the only funny person or the only one with funny lines and that made it refreshing. Warning! This movie is stupid. Don't expect Schindler's List or even something quirky/clever (ala Sideways or Little Miss Sunshine). The plot is ridiculous, the humor not subtle, but what a perfect "grab a bag of chips, your favorite beverage, camp on your cushy couch in something comfy and let your mind go and laugh away" kind of movie. Maybe I was in a good mood when I saw it, but.......worked for me.
What are some of your guilty pleasures?
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Regarding the short story I just posted, please be nice. I do not profess to be a writer nor do I aspire to be one. Unlike many American Idol contestants, I realize and understand my limitations. But just as I like to sing in the shower, I decided to put some thoughts to paper. If you don't like it, or my style, that's cool. Move on to one of the many other fine blogs about (check out Guilt in Black Panties or Bitter Betty for talent and/or humor). If you do like, or you have a gentle soul and think you can offer some constructive criticism without shattering my fragile psyche, drop me a line.
Steve couldn’t believe the mess he had gotten himself into. Rather, the mess his goddamn brother had gotten him into. His brother had always had a quick temper. That was Eddy. Always quick to spout off a "fuck you" to everyone and anyone, deserved or not. Quick even to physically lash out at people although he rarely connected. Not so long ago one schmuck thought he was funny with his "Steve and Edie" reference. Steve and Eddy, Steve and Edie. Get it? Duh! As if only his mensa-level intelligence could possibly come up with such a witticism. Dickhead. "Yeah, genius! Only heard that only about eighty times in my life thank you very much!" Eddy yelled as he swung and missed. An "angry child" their other brother Robert had said on more than one occasion. Steve agreed and while the whole "Steve and Edie" thing was pretty lame he never felt compelled to strike out about it. Then, Eddy was constantly mad at the world. It wasn’t all unwarranted. He had reasons. Plenty of reasons. But the objects of his fury were usually more or less innocent bystanders. Displaced anger at stupid and not-so-stupid people.
"The mere fact that these two brothers are extremely close and have a special bond does not justify my client’s incarceration!" Steve zoned back in to hear his attorney implore the jury in the middle of his closing argument.
Steve chuckled a bit to himself at "extremely close". Yeah, they were at times. Since birth really. Too close. Of course, there were other times when Steve couldn’t stand Eddy. Hated him even. He said numerous times to anyone that would listen, "One is stuck with family though, aren’t they? One can’t choose family. You’re born into it." It was meant as a pseudo-joke in the same manner people roll their eyes about the characteristics of a loved one. It didn’t seem too funny now and Steve marveled at how he and Robert could be born and raised in nearly the same manner as Eddy but neither had Eddy’s hostile demeanor. Especially Steve, as Robert was a few years younger and hadn’t been through everything the two of them had. Normally, though, Eddy would just spout off an impressive repertoire of insults to his perceived attacker. This time, though, he did more.
More is an understatement. It was bad. Real bad. They were looking at prison time. Significant prison time, possibly. Murder. Given the evidence, Steve certainly saw how a jury could convict him of a crime he didn't do. To Steve, it seemed painfully clear. If only his attorney could convince a jury of that.
That fateful day in the restaurant, Steve could sense Eddy’s rising anger as he always could. He could feel the temper mount inside him perhaps as a wife's heart rate climbs when her husband throws a tantrum because he hammered his thumb. But with Steve it ran deeper. That comes with being a brother and being close and going through so much together over the years. At the same time, however, Steve could do nothing to prevent Eddy from erupting. Particularly this time.
A fork to the neck. Damn! One doesn’t die very fast from a fork to the neck. Not fast at all. The blood never stopped. Well, it did eventually but it seemed to take forever to Steve. It ran through poor Roger Stavinsky’s hands as he clutched his neck. Poured down like a garden hose left running on a driveway. This wasn’t the movies, though, it was real life. Roger didn’t look at Steve and Eddy inquisitively as if to ask, "why did you do this?" and lose consciousness. He looked down at his shirt, his opened hands to see the blood and meandered around the restaurant as if to implore for help that wasn’t to be. The blood was just everywhere. Although it didn’t shoot out like in some gladiator movie it was nonetheless impressive in its sheer volume as it covered his nice suit. Stavinsky asked why though with his eyes and his weakening voice. He asked about 50 times as he stood and later lay dying in which would eventually take perhaps ten or twelve minutes. Steve was sure Stavinsky never understood in the end. He never got the answer to his query but it didn’t really matter anyway. What was done was done. Yes, this was bad.
Stavinsky was a snake for sure but he didn’t deserve this fate. Making promises to Steve and Eddy he couldn’t keep didn’t justify murder. Steve always knew Roger would look out for Roger in the end, yet, he went along with the idea so they could all make "tons of money". Nobody ever quantified "tons" to Steve but any money was better than none. Finally, it came as no surprise when Roger didn’t deliver. Roger bailed out just like Steve had warned Eddy he might. "Don’t get your hopes up, Eddy. Let’s see how this plays out." Eddy was just too excited though. He listened to Steve but didn’t hear. As was his want, Eddy was always thinking next idea would make them rich or at least richer. That next idea would get them out of their crummy machine shop assembly jobs. A book, an invention, an investment or anything to get away from the oil, the heat and the noise of that shop. Eddy hatched most of the ideas and Steve went along. Steve’s philosophy was "why not, right? You never know." This one wasn’t Eddy’s idea and certainly had potential which Steve saw so he went along albeit cautiously. Stavinsky wasn’t the first one to offer to sell their life story, but it was looking like he might be the last.
"….and I implore you ladies and gentleman of the jury, if you must find my client guilty of these charges, please find it in your heart to punish him with no more than house arrest" his attorney continued.
House arrest. Steve could live with that. He practically did anyway. It sure as shit was better than Stavinsky got. Fucking Eddy! If only Steve could have stopped him, but it was so quick. A fork! To the neck! Fuck that must have hurt.
No sooner was Stavinsky done saying "I did everything I could, guys, but I’m sorry, they’re not willing to buy into the screenplay and I’m not inclined to pitch it any more" did Eddy strike. Across the table, over the beef tips and garlic mashed potatoes, which soon turned a gooey crimson. In the trial, Steve learned it was the carotid artery. When it happened, he immediately thought "the jugular, fuck he hit the jugular". Steve’s thoughts wandered to some horror movie or Discovery Health program in which he might have gotten the idea. It didn’t matter thought. What sort of mattered was Steve knew it was coming. He felt the hostility building. Eddy’s impulse. He felt it to the core. If only he acted sooner. But it was done now.
When Stavinsky finished staggering wide-eyed around, Steve’s mind raced. Run was his first impulse. He couldn’t really run. Anyway, how many witnesses saw it? Would they remember us? Could they pick us out of a lineup? Of course they could. How could they not? The place was probably seventy percent full. They hadn’t even driven their own car for Christ’s sake. How far could they get by running? The restaurant was awash in screaming women and calls of men to dial 911 as others scrambled for safety. In any event the police were there in a matter of minutes. Maybe as quickly as three or four minutes. Even before the EMTs arrived Steve and Eddy were in cuffs..
Steve phased back into the now to hear his attorney say, "…merely because they share a liver? Or because they share the same arms and legs? They are two separate people ladies and gentleman." We’re Dicephalus Steve thought to himself, almost with a chuckle. The lawyer continued, "How could Stephen possibly prevent his brother from committing this crime? How could he know what Edward was about to do?" But Steve knew. Just as the two of them could swing a baseball bat in unison or run together on their shared appendages. He knew. But it was too late by the time knew enough to do something about it.
"You may well be convicting an innocent man, ladies and gentleman of the jury. His body had a part in committing this crime, but not his mind. I implore you again, fine people, to find my client innocent of this charge. Thank you for your time."
"Fuck" Steve thought to himself. "What a mess."
Would the president's State of the Union speech hold more water if the sycophants in attendance didn't stand and applaud every singe sentence he read and no doubt didn't write and possilby didn't come up with in the first place?
Would the weatherman (or women) who are so terrifically accurate at getting today and tomorrow's weather accurate, please refrain from the "Eight day forecast" since they can barely get the three day forecast right?
Would it be all right if next year for Christmas I sent all my cards out unstamped but with my name and address in the recipient area and my friend's and family's address in the upper left so that the cards get "returned to sender"?
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
From age 16 to 18 I did a three year stretch working for a major hamburger fast food chain. Three years in which I saw my wages skyrocket from a generous $3.37 per hour to $4.05 when I left. $4.05! Work a week and you live the life of luxury with about $138 in your pocket! Robin Leech called to do an expose but I turned him down. Yet, one of my managers STILL works there. From over twenty years ago. He must be a millionaire now. Anyway, I did every imaginable job there. Food prep, cash registers, etc. If I ever wanted back in, I'd have quite the resume.
Some of my many skills acquired......
Capable of separating frozen patties by prying with knife, slamming them on freezer sides or shoe sole and feeding burgers into a 1 million degree griller so quickly that it would occasionally stop up like some clogged flaming toilet.
Proficient at receiving said piping hot burgers, occasionally using tongs even, bunning them and putting them in steamer storage for 3, 4 or 8 hours without eating more than three an hour.
Able to condiment and wrap the burgers pursuant to industry "how-to" movies and in exact accordance with the Fonzi-type character's instruction (what'd he say? six ounces of mayo? 1/2 pound of onion? ok). Also, bought into what a cool place it is to work and that with his earnings he saved for his first bike! Damn! I only hope I could some day be a cool 42 year old fast food employee with a motorcycle. Bitchin'! Bet he gets all the babes.
Expert in working the frier which entailed cooking french fries, onion rings, or hashbrowns to perfection since the 80 dB beeper-thingy told me, oh 60, 70 times a day when perfection was. Also, posess the skills needed to salt some of the fries to stroke-threatening dangerous levels (b.p. 260 over 140), yet able to leave some fries entirely saltless and therefore flavorless. Furthermore, gained aptitude in fry-o-lating "other" things, some winged, some not, but none on the menu.
Apt at taking orders and goofing on drunk people in drive-thru during "cruise night" which at times meant reading back orders having nothing to do with the one they just placed. Even foods we don't even serve. "Ok, so that's a foot long Spicy Italian, Cherry Slurpee and a side order of oysters on the half shell? $6.95, please drive around".
Other experience/qualifications: Drinking after hours in restaurant or parking lot; Eating everything and anything in sight (1/2 price meals, hahahahahahah! good one! not hungry though); Stretching the limits of the "5 second rule"; Creating new and inventive soda/ketchup/milkshake/mayo/orange juice/beef/onion concoctions; Over-ringing certain $5 orders for that little extra spending money; Keeping a pickle chip in my mouth for an entire 8 hour shift (the rind survives, but apparently the center part begins decomposition around hour 4) and serving said pickle on a "special order" (the hysterical laughter/wretching of my co-workers as we peered around the milkshake machine and watched our victim taught us more more about teamwork than pseudo-Fonzi ever could); and, above all, sporting fake corduroy pants with rayon plaid shirt onto which was sewed a pants-matching fake corduroy vest and not getting my ass kicked for looking like a fucktard.
Thank you for considering my application. References, in the form of my two best friends and chief accomplices, available upon request.
Monday, January 22, 2007
Mrs. Blogger and I went for an overnight stay in Boston Saturday night. No, I didn't pogo-stick up there (see prior post). My brother's birthday is coming up next week so we met him and his wife along another brother and his wife for a night in Boston. We stayed at a very nice hotel right in the heart of Boston, had a great dinner and saw Tracy Morgan's stand-up routine at Fanuel Hall. I did drink quite a bit Saturday into Saturday night and Tracy Morgan didn't come on stage until close to 11:30 so I could barely keep my eyes open. Morgan's comedy is very dirty and I found him mildly funny. The warm-up comedian/MC was actually funnier, but a good time was had by all (most of my memory gaps after 10 p.m have been filled in to date).
But the cost! Oh my God. Even though I have the discipline to stay away from the $6 Bud Lite can and $5.75 Nestle Crunch Bars in the mini-bar/fridge, it was still a "holy crap that's expensive" type of weekend. The Hyatt even has sensors on the candy bars in the fridge. Sensors! I hadn't run across that before. Its not gold bullion it a Snicker's Bar for crying out loud. With such stringent candy security, I imagine the Hersheys factory to be surrounded by armed guards in towers and razor wire. Although we dreamt up an Indiana Jones-type swap by replacing the candy bar with a sock full of soap we decided against the caper and let the snacks be.
Its not that I wasn't prepared for it to be an expensive weekend, but damn! Amazing how those fun little ideas can really go into cost overrun. Big City life and the cost of living are out of sight. I'm flying to Vegas and staying for 3 nights for about what I just spent. Don't get me wrong, I don't consider myself cheap or even frugal, but when I got home yesterday I couldn't help but think of the cool stuff I could have bought or done with that much money. AND we got a deal on the hotel and split the room.
Itemization of money that left my pocket for myself in Mrs. Blogger (I might be forgetting something too)......
Gas....1/2 tank....$20 (round trip - I'm exactly 90 miles from Boston)
Lunch on way up.....$12 (Burger King Rest stop)
Beer for room.....$16
Hotel Room.....$90 (some kind of online deal or something....it was normally a $270 room)
Taxi to dinner.......$10 (including tip)
Dinner and drinks.....$120
Taxi to show......No charge (someone else picked up tab)
Tickets to show......$74
Two rounds of drinks prior to show......$56 (what I paid for - we had more than two rounds total)
Taxi back to hotel....$8 (not sure why it was less - perhaps they took the scenic route on way over)
[the next morning]
Incredibly warm soda machine Gator-Ade and Iced Tea...$3
Breakfast buffet ...... $47 (not at ALL worth that!! $5 for a bagel if ala carte!)
Me, retelling a story Sunday morning that I apparently had regaled my companions with the night before and wife reminding me of a few other conversations that had slipped my mind? Priceless!
Friday, January 19, 2007
Then the treadmill-challenged woman at Wendy's hands it to me (with my salad, lmao) and didn't get my smart-allecky "this is medium?" comment. She answers "uh, yeah?" like everyone needs the Chinese water torture with their midday lunch. As a nation, we're all about bigger is better aren't we? Super-size fries? Sure, why not. I can always go for a 1/2 acre of deep fried potatoes? Quadruple Burger? You betcha - can you leave the hide on it too? I heard that's where the nutrients are? GMAC Hummer? Absolutely! Gas will surely go down soon anyway. But, its soda! How much do I need? Perhaps if I was at the Wendy's on the edge of the Gobi desert and I just hoofed in from the last mirage, this would be appropriate. But damn! Medium? There are two sizes bigger than this too. Large; which I would think is about the size of a milking bucket. And Super-Size; which must be the size of those plastic buckets with white rope handles that hold ice and a 1/2 barrel keg of Milwaukee's Best Light.
Good thing I got Diet Coke with ice (which is long gone). I can imagine if it was "regular" Coke (23,356 calories) I'd have to run to Boston and back to burn off all those empty calories. How about a a Mountain Dew? With that bankroll of energy and all the caffeine I'd could pogo-stick to Boston and back (those allowed in the H.O.V. lanes?).
That might make me thirsty though.Hmmmm......How about another tub-o-Coke?
Thursday, January 18, 2007
An anxious, achey, pacing wait for a phone call that I know won't come for hours. Files are open on the desk and I shuffle the papers around so it appears I'm working. But I'm not. I'm waiting. Mulling, thinking, pondering.
Calls come and go. Clients mostly. Explaining in too much detail about things I couldn't possibly help them with. Stammering when asked if they want voice mail as if one needs an Engineering Degree from M.I.T. to use it. My mind is elsewhere though. Thinking, considering and wishing for different scenarios.
Meeting time. Coffee and bagels and donuts sit on a tray tempting me with their beautiful morning scent. Alas, I am hungry but cannot eat. Well, maybe just some coffee. Suits show off their proud spreadsheets and pie charts and red markings and highlighted areas. The colors and lines and grids dazzle eyes. Eyes that are only looking though. Voices and inflections and excitement fill the small conference room in an echoey surround-sound. But the ears take in nothing. The mind is otherwise too preoccupied with "what ifs?" to see and hear.
Back at my desk. Its the same as it was five minutes after I walked in the door this morning. It seems like forever ago. Should I call? It it even worse than I fear? Damn! How bad is this going to affect me? Us? My family?
I have to wait though.
Are my collegues noticing my apparent vacancy? My bosses? Can they tell? Should I open up to them? Let them in even if just a little? Certainly, everyone's been there a time or two. God knows I've been there plenty. No, I decide. I don't need the pity. I hate that kind of attention.
I'll just wait.
He should have called by now. It's been forever. What? Six hours? Should I call him? No, I decide in short order. He knows I'm waiting. He'll call when he has something to tell me. I'll give him another hour or so, then I'll have to call though.
I finger through paperwork. As if I'm looking for something in a file. But it could never be found in any event. I'd have to be actually paying attention to find it. And I'm not. Perhaps I've gotten 30 minuntes of work done. Feebly fielded a few phone calls but mostly, I've waited.
At long last, my desk phone pages me. Is this it? Can I finally begin to move on? Begin the healing process? Get over the anxiety. Bite the bullet and deal with the issue at hand like a trooper?
"Nouveau?" calls the receptionists voice.
"Greg on line 3 for you"
Finally! The call. Yet I wait a bit more. I just cannot bear yet to grab that receiver. A deep breath. Just a second to find a pleasant place in my mind. I pick up.
"Hello?" I say into a mouthpiece that is closer to my throat than my mouth.
"Hello! Mr. Blogger?" comes an all-too-cheery voice in the earpiece. Loud. Too loud. Overly, salesmanly happy. He knows what's at stake here. He should know better.
"Yes" I reply. Barely a whisper, though. In nano-seconds my mind is still processing a multitude of different ways he may retort. Yet it doesn't matter. The truth is at hand. And its not in my hands. Its in his, which hold an inherent conflict of interest.
"Mr. Blogger.....We've looked at your car. We found that the problem is.........."
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Let's see.......golf, poker tourneys, blackjack, craps, FREE food and drinks....I'm soooooo there!
The Little One is wicked into knock knock jokes. We have to do a few every day. I can even use it to get her to behave ("if you don't start listening, no knock knock jokes on the drive home"). It totally works. Assuming she was good, we'll play every evening on the 20-40 minute drive home from daycare. The problem is, I've exhausted the only two I know that make any sense. Hint: They end, "who, who?....what are you an owl?" AND "Orange who? aren't you glad I didn't say banana?" So I will repeat them or make up new ones that totally suck. Not today! I'm armed! I friggin' googled knock knock jokes! Pathetic, I know. Check it out.....
figs the doorbell, its broken
What? you like?
Can't get enough?
Ok, there's plenty more......http://www.indianchild.com/knock_knock_jokes1.html
I'll be her hero. Now I need to google sports or porn or something so any company spies on my PC don't think I'm a weirdo.
8 p.m. nears.....Fox 61 flickers but no one pays it much mind.....anyway, its been that way since 6 lest we change the channel and forget to go back.....dinner's been scarfed down....dirty plates stacked in the sink....the microwave oven cools.....lights dim....a family cuddles up on a couch.....shhhhh.....ITS SHOWTIME!!!
American Idol is on!
Goddamn, bad is good, isn't it? The mumbling woman forgetting the words (all the words!)......the Cowardly Lion growling (or was it Chewbacca?).....Apollo Creed singing opera......the 16-year-old imitating Chris Dautry, then imitating Chris Dautry doing Abba, then imitating Chris Dautry doing Barry Manilow......the juggler whose undyingly supportive family doesn't have to heart to tell him he sucks, or that its a singing contest, not a talent contest......the vocal coach with limited vocal abilities.....the Urban Amish guy......the Woody-like Cowboy brutalizing Johnny Cash......and the Shrek-looking woman singing Freddie Mercury.
We'll be there again tonight for another two hours of cringing and laughing at Randy and Simon's faces, won't we? Surely Seattle can provide the freaks that Minneapolis can.
Alas, though....I'm sure to peter out once all the "entertainers" have left the show.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
I went and did it again! I started fresh with yet another season of 24. Of course, its serial television requiring one's undivided attention for a minimum one hour per week. Very difficult for me. In the past it was a little easier because Fox would re-show it over the weekend. They don't that anymore. Shame I enjoy it so much because my history shows I have NEVER finished a season. Oh in January or February, I'm all pumped up. I live Jack Bauer's life as the world becomes perilously close to doom, as he heals from knife wounds and other assorted injuries in a matter of hours (the show takes place over one day, of course) but I never get to share his ultimate victory.
Funny how terrorists and Jack are all on the same 24 hour schedule, lol. If the bad stuff starts at say, 6 a.m., it will be sure to be resolved about that time the next day. And, while he is terrific at saving our country or the world, he doesn't have particular good skills at saving wives, presidents, colleagues, innocent by-standers or, or course, assorted bad guys. Very fun though. No one is immune to loss of life or loss of loved ones. To my knowledge there are no characters left from season one, except for Keifer Sutherland's Jack Bauer.
We started with the two hour premiere on Sunday night and then another two hours of dedication last night. I'm in deep now. Can't just fore go my four-hour investment now, can I? Last night even ended with a nuclear bomb going off near L.A.
I must reschedule workouts. I must keep the Little One occupied and entertained. To wit --
"I'm watching a daddy show right now so stay upstairs with the Strawberry Shortcake video, ok honey"
"Ok daddy. [pause] Because there are bad guys on TV daddy?"
[Guy gets shot in neck]"Yes. Shhhh....I can't hear"
But to what end? Can I make it through another season? Come May 10, when its nice and sunny, will I be motivated or remember to tape its because I have a softball game? I doubt it. If I miss a week will I be able to research that lost episode on the Internet and watch the "previously on 24" part and find satisfaction? I usually lose it about then. When a show becomes an "effort". But I don't have a "show". Know what I mean? Nothing to call my own or look forward to or talk about at work. I'm not all that into American Idol once the sucky singers are weeded out (feel like I'm the only one). There's no sitcom I look for on a particular night, although I did see 30 Rock the other night and laughed my ass off. [Note to self: find out when and where 30 Rock is on]
So, 24 is it! I can make it! I can do it! Stay strong! Jack Bauer may need me.
Shit.....Red Sox will be on TV in early April.....I'm doomed!
Monday, January 15, 2007
Apparently, despite federal and local legislation, E-mail spammers continue to prosper, even in court! A guy in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, Mark Mumma decided to fight back. According to a Time Magazine article, he might be sorry he did. Thinking particular emails he was receiving violated Oklahoma and Federal Laws in terms of their origin and paths through the Internet, he threatened to sue the offenders after a cease and desist was agreed to but the emails continued. He initiated litigation and posted pictures of the offending company's executives on his own website calling them "Cruise.com spammers". And they sued him in return! He could be on the hook for as much as $3.8 million. Unbelievably, the court threw out Mr. Mumma's suit finding the spammers not in violation but allowed the executive's suit to continue for libel or slander. As Time points out, apparently the right to free speech wins over the right to privacy.
I don't know but one should not have to click link after link in email after email to get the offending company to stop unwanted spam-type email. Moral of the story: get yourself a free email address (yahoo, hotmail, whatever) for making online purchases or other activities online that require entering an email address. Use your ISP address for friends and family - that is, until they start spamming you with unfunny joke after unfunny joke!
Citation: Holding, Reynolds. "A Spammer's Revenge" Time Magazine 15 Jan. 2007; 62.
Friday, January 12, 2007
David Beckham is getting $250 million over five years to play soccer for the L.A. Galaxy? Soccer?!?! They're kidding, right? Will the L.A. Galaxy even gross $250 million in the next five years? I'm sure its an endorsement-laden contract but that's a shitload of hair-gel, razors, luggage, car rentals or whatever to hawk. I just don't see how they'll recoup that kind of scratch! And for soccer? What is that, the number 8 sport in the U.S.? I bet more people watch poker on TV than soccer (cards are on pretty much 24/7 now aren't they?). Face it, Americans are just not that into soccer. They might be interested in Beckham as a sideshow (isn't he married to Whorey-Spice or something?) but are they going to tune into some oblivious cable channel to watch a 1-0 game on a Saturday afternoon? I doubt it and I don't get it. Maybe I'll tune it in for a few minutes sometime....see what its all about.....but I bet I end up channel surfing over to celebrity poker and see how James Woods is faring against Gabe Kaplan, lol.
Then again, instead of watching poker maybe I should be kicking a ball against the side of the garage.....you never know....that IS a hell of a lot of money!
Since I don't have much to say today I thought I'd thrown down some more movie quotes:
[Running down a hill with a big bucket of overflowing "milk"]
Roy: Hey, I hope you don't mind, I got up a little early, so I took the liberty of milking your cow for you. Yeah, it took a little while to get her warmed up, she sure is a stubborn one, whew. [Takes big drink from the bucket]
Mr. Boorg: We don't have a cow. We have a bull.
Roy: I'm gonna brush my teeth.
Landlady: What is it about good sex that makes me have to crap? You really jarred something loose tiger.
(ok, maybe my sense of humor is warped, lol)
Something About Mary...
Hitchhiker: You heard of this thing, the 8-Minute Abs?
Ted: Yeah, sure, 8-Minute Abs. Yeah, the excercise video.
Hitchhiker: Yeah, this is going to blow that right out of the water. Listen to this: 7... Minute... Abs.
Ted: Right. Yes. OK, all right. I see where you're going.
Hitchhiker: Think about it. You walk into a video store, you see 8-Minute Abs sittin' there, there's 7-Minute Abs right beside it. Which one are you gonna pick, man?
Ted: I would go for the 7.
Hitchhiker: Bingo, man, bingo. 7-Minute Abs. And we guarantee just as good a workout as the 8-minute folk.
Ted: You guarantee it? That's - how do you do that?
Hitchhiker: If you're not happy with the first 7 minutes, we're gonna send you the extra minute free. You see? That's it. That's our motto. That's where we're comin' from. That's from "A" to "B".
Ted: That's right. That's - that's good. That's good. Unless, of course, somebody comes up with 6-Minute Abs. Then you're in trouble, huh? [Hitchhiker convulses]
Hitchhiker: No! No, no, not 6! I said 7. Nobody's comin' up with 6. Who works out in 6 minutes? You won't even get your heart goin, not even a mouse on a wheel.
Ted: That - good point.
Hitchhiker: 7's the key number here. Think about it. 7-Elevens. 7 doors. 7, man, that's the number. 7 chipmunks twirlin' on a branch, eatin' lots of sunflowers on my uncle's ranch. You know that old children's tale from the sea. It's like you're dreamin' about Gorgonzola cheese when it's clearly Brie time, baby.
[Sidebar: If you're going to watch Something About Mary again, watch the DVD version, Something More About Mary....there's much more between Pat Healy and Sully....fills in some blanks and there's newer, funny scenes]
Ted Striker: My orders came through. My squadron ships out tomorrow. We're bombing the storage depots at Daiquiri at 1800 hours. We're coming in from the north, below their radar.
Elaine Dickinson: When will you be back?
Ted Striker: I can't tell you that. It's classified.
Rumack: Captain, how soon can you land?
Captain Oveur: I can't tell.
Rumack: You can tell me. I'm a doctor.
Captain Oveur: No. I mean I'm just not sure.
Rumack: Well, can't you take a guess?
Captain Oveur: Well, not for another two hours.
Rumack: You can't take a guess for another two hours?
(there's only a billion or so good lines from Airplane, but there's a few to hopefully get a giggle out of you)
Thursday, January 11, 2007
I updated a few things on my profile (as I will continue to do) and was thinking about some of the funny movies on it and a few lines from those movies.
Dumb & Dumber....
Lloyd: What are the chances of a guy like you and a girl like me... ending up together?
Mary: Well, that's pretty difficult to say.
Lloyd: Hit me with it! I've come a long way to see you, Mary. The least you can do is level with me. What are my chances?
Mary: Not good.
Lloyd: You mean, not good like one out of a hundred?
Mary: I'd say more like one out of a million.
Lloyd: So you're telling me there's a chance. (nods) I read ya'. Yeah!!!
Lloyd: Hey, look, the Monkees. They were a huge influence on the Beatles.
Carl Spackler: This is a hybrid. This is a cross, ah, of Bluegrass, Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent, and Northern California Sensemilia. The amazing stuff about this is, that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on this stuff.
40 Year Old Virgin...
[David and Cal Playing a video Game]
Cal: You're *gay* now?
David: No, I'm not gay I'm just celibate.
Cal: I think? I mean, that sounds ga- I just want you to know this is like the first conversation of like three conversations that leads to you being gay. Like... there's this and then in a year it's like, "Oh you know, I kinda wanna, ya know, get back out there but I think I like guys" and then there's the big, "Oh I'm I'm a g-gay guy now".
David: You're gay for saying that.
Cal: I'm gay for saying that?
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How? How do you know I'm gay?
David: Because you macramed yourself a pair of jean shorts.
Cal: You know how I know *you're* gay? You just told me you're not sleeping with women any more.
David: You know how I know that you're gay?
Cal: How? Cuz you're gay? and you can tell who other gay people are.
David: You know how I know you're gay?
David: You like Coldplay.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Have you ever encountered a problem that you've had difficulty solving? Maybe schoolwork, PC programming, home repair or a task from work? All day long you can't figure out how you're going to solve it. That night you lie awake in bed mulling over different possibilities to no avail. However, the next morning, perhaps in the shower or during your commute, it comes to you. Aha! Why didn't I think of that before? Well, research shows that while sleeping the brain continues to work and perhaps since its not being used to find something to wear, maneuver your car or reminisce about some cutie you saw at the gym, it gets busy with the task at hand; resolving that issue.
I've done it. Thought of how to solve a complicated home repair issue the next day or the next. Perhaps you have too. One study I read gave subjects a difficult task at hand. Hours later the same subjects were quizzed about their appropriate resolutions and very few had a logical solution. However, those same subjects, when given a night's sleep before quizzing had much better solutions to the problem. Interesting.
Therefore, when given a complicated task or confronted with a personal dilemma, its not illogical to say "let me sleep on it". You might be pleased with the result.
So, in an hour, when my boss gives me some complicated task to handle, instead of sitting there staring at the wall and drumming my pencil for 40 minutes, I'm going to say "You betcha! Right after a nice nap!"
Hmmmm.......there must be a cot in here somewhere.
Tuesday, January 9, 2007
Of course by now we all know he is the recently deceased inventor of Ramen Noodles. R.I.P. Momofuko (how funny is that name? go ahead, say it out loud, see if you don't laugh)
Makes me wonder whether CNN has covered or will cover the passing of other "inventors" of cheapo college foods. Isn't that what Ramen Noodles, Cup-o-Noodles or Oodles of Noodles are? Cheapo food you eat in college at 11p.m. when starving? Just shell out 39 cents, add hot water and enjoy. Will we mourn also the passing of the inventor of Microwave Popcorn? Kraft Macaroni and Cheese? All things Chef-Boy-Ardee? Hot Pockets? Danish Cookies? Goldfish? Dominos Pizza (I KNOW he's still alive)? Steak-Umms? Smart Food? and the ever-popular, 2 a.m, Dirty Water Hot Dogs?
In any event; I salute you, oh creator of the fast-prepared, low-mess, high-sodium, elevated cholesterol but most importantly, inexpensive late night munchie killer.
Monday, January 8, 2007
I had myself a rather nice weekend. Hope you all did too.
Friday night I played in a monthly Texas Hold 'Em no-limit game. I'm thrown to the wolves every month as most of these guys play 3, 4 or 5 times a week and I play monthly. But I can watch it on TV and learn right? That Ben Affleck sure can play, lol. Made a mistake that didn't cost me money, but I didn't make nearly enough off trip twos. Finally, got beat on my all-in with ace/four when a jack came on the river for my opponent. I was getting low on chips and the blinds were rising and coming around. Had to make a move. Didn't work. Oh well. Came in about 20th out of 28 guys.
Saturday morning I woke up to rain. Shortly afterwards my cell phone rang (Metallica - No Leaf Clover -- always sticks in my head for hours after, lol). Brother says "Its not raining.....meet us at the golf course in 40 min". Quck shower, some wrinkled clothes thrown on and a twenty minute drive later, I was there in time. Stopped raining as I pulled in. Turned out to be PERFECT! Temps reached 72 degrees. What would be the normal high for that date? Hmmm....about 32 maybe? We played in short sleeve shirts on Jan. 6. Un-friggin'-believable!! And I played quite well too. I'm still high about it! Looks like the colder weather is on its way, but it was sure nice while it lasted. Again, hurray Global Warming (at least for golf).
Spend the afternoon taking down all the Christmas decorations, playing with my daughter and getting to the gym.
That evening, I took Mrs. Nouveau out to a nice dinner and drinks. Dropped the Little One off at the in-laws and had a pleasant evening. We dressed up a bit too. Mrs. N. looked fantastic as usual. Ate a so-so dinner at a new restaurant then went to the bar for drinks (and to catch football/Uconn basketball scores). Coincidentally, her sister and some friends happened by. We had a VERY nice evening out. Lots of good convo and laughs. UConn got killed (they're young and frustrating) and we bitched about brother-in-law, Big M (seems a theme lately) but had a blast. Hung out until about midnight. Didn't fall asleep right away when we got home either *wink* *wink* (que porn music, lol).
Sunday (yesterday) I slept in a bit then spent time loading music onto my phone/mp3 player and a bunch onto Mrs. Nouveau's new IPod (which I gave her for Xmas). Also, watched my beloved New York Jets lose to the Patriots in the football playoffs (to be expected). A very nice little "sit around the house" day. I even managed to drag my ass out for a run at about 5pm. Man, I so didn't feel like it but felt great afterwards.
That's about it. Just a nice, quiet weekend with no places I had to be, or things I had to do. Just the way I like it :)
Friday, January 5, 2007
Its the New Year. That means hoards of people making resolutions. Without a scientific survey, I would have to think weight-loss is in the top three. New faces at my gym certainlybears that out. After work (especially early in the week) the place is friggin' PACKED every year from Jan. 2 through about Valentine's Day. But around then the not-so-committed begin to die off. Gym owners must love that. Monthly dues continue to come in without the person paying them.
Perhaps after missing a few workouts or days/weeks of eating poorly due to various reasons people feel they can't start up again. One can always start up again. My sister-in-law likes to set a date (I've heard it time and again too - but good for her for continuing to try). Its silly to set a date to start getting fit. "Oh, on March 1 I'm going to get my ass in gear to look good for summer". I don't get it. Why not today? Or tomorrow? Or even the next day? Why wait though? I think the perfect time to start is the next trip to the grocery store. One would think that wouldn't be more than a few days away, right? Stock up on "good stuff" to eat, you know?
Obviously, I'm pretty much into fitness. While I'm no Charles Atlas, on and off for over 10 years I've been a regular at the gym. Lifting, running the whole shebang. Although I get side-tracked at times and go longish periods without going, I usually find myself returning. Of course, I find myself weaker, slower and a tad heavier....but I return, lol. As a result, I have more or less managed to stay thinner than most (all?) of my friends and family and I'm rather proud of that. It's real tough lately as I get more and more injuries. Age. It sucks. But I tape up (is that a mummy in the gym?) and I press on best I know how. I also try to watch what I eat and at times get on very stringent kicks (like now). Although, rarely do I consider myself dieting.
To that end, any interested readers (do I have more than one, lol? My counter is close to 100, but most of those are my own I fear) should check out the link I posted to the left here.....Fitday.Com. I really love the site. One can go so far as to log in everything they eat, every day. Track weight, goals, log activities and even keep a journal. Its free too! I know to most its a hassle to track tons of information but if you spend a lot of time online, or have a job with long down periods 5 mins a day isn't too much, is it? Plus, you can track only weight, or workouts or whatever. If interested in tracking food it can be tedious especially in the beginning. When a food is not on their built-in list you'll need to manually enter it but once you do its there forever and the next data-entry is that much easier. By the way, most chain restaurants have all their nutrition facts online too and many are already on Fitday.
Therefore, if your New Year's Resolution is to be a bit healthier, eat better or lose weight, I'm sure you'll find the site helpful. Check it out :)
Remitter of this passage is in no way affiliated with or paid endorser for Fitday.com -- lol
Thursday, January 4, 2007
I forgot to mention that when I went golfing yesterday with my brother, the local news was there doing a "Winter Sports" thing. Obviously, not skiing, skating, etc. They were interviewing the head pro at my club and other members about the unusually warm weather (we are usually done golfing until late March by Thanksgiving). Anyway, they filmed my brother and I teeing off. Later last night I remembered and turned on the news just in time to catch the video of him striking the ball and the two of us walking down the first fairway together. I'm a star!!!!
What's on your desk? Anything interesting? Funny?
Wednesday, January 3, 2007
January 3rd, Southern New England and I'm going to play golf this afternoon. We just had the second warmest December in history and this Saturday is looking to set a record. So far, barely a snow flurry. Until this year, the latest I ever played was December 15. At least as far as my golf game is concerned, "Hurray Global Warming", lol.
(Added at 3pm) -- Back! Damn I played shitty. Real shitty. Alas, though, its better to play shitty golf on Jan 3 than to be out scraping ice off the windshield wiper blades. Plus, now we're that much closer to spring.
I've been with my wife for 18 years (married 10) and the last night when I couldn't sleep she rolled over (I think she was asleep) and put her hand on my shoulder. There was no conversation and the touch led to nothing more. But, I was smiling that content sort of smile. DAMN if it didn't feel good!
A tap on the butt to access a drawer,
Or gentle push aside and nothing more,
She fixes a collar or straigthens a tie,
Perhaps a nudge in the ribs to catch my eye,
Across a table during dim-lighted drinks,
Its seems so simple yet conveys what she thinks,
A response of laughter to an inside joke,
Or when I am teasing and need a good poke,
In a special place when we're not quite alone,
To rekindle a memory that's only our own,
A head on a shoulder, a hand on a chest,
While snuggled in bed not looking for rest,
Whispered warm breath and a kiss on the ear,
Goosebumps all over as painted nails steer,
In the dark of the night while pretending to sleep,
Enjoying the tickle as her fingers creep,
I smile to myself as sleep comes to be,
Knowing her touch is only for me.
Tuesday, January 2, 2007
No movies to review....anyway I think I suck at it, lol. I have been watching Season V of the Sopranos on DVD. Nothing to review. Everyone knows how great that is, lol.
Happy New Year's Everyone! I'll accept doled-out "Happy New Year's" through this coming weekend....but then....no more, lol. I don't need friends I haven't spoken to since Thanksgiving calling on Ground Hog's Day with a "Happy New Year." I have one who will too. Guaranteed. Seems weird....the year isn't new! I can even get the check date right 50% of the time by then. Plus, we don't wish each a Merry Christmas on March 3 if we haven't seen each other since December 15 do we? lol.
Not much to report today. Went to a Christmas party Saturday night. One of those "after Christmas" parties for people who travel to see my wife's family. Its a big blowout - lots of family and a really good time. Nice in that we all get to see each other but everyone can stay in their own homes/towns/states for the holiday. Of course, I have to listen to and take shit from one of my brother-in-law's but then he drives everyone nuts. That'll have to be another blog. I'm not in the mood for getting into it now.
Then on New Year's I went to the typical New Year's Eve party. Everyone bullshits and drinks to excess until 11:50....then someone flips on the television and reminds everyone of the time....and we all watch tv together for a bit.....some hugs, cheap champagne, stupid hats and paper/platic horn-blowing, then back to the b.s. and beer (yes, we had a sober driver). I bet that's more or less how it plays out universally. It was fun.....my kind of party. And NO Jan 1 hangover. Even better.